Love vs Arranged Marriage
పెళ్లి నూరేళ్ళ పంట -- Marriage is like a 100 year Harvest.
Till Death Do us Apart.
The institution of marriage, is an extraordinary institution and one of the most fundamental pillars in the society of Sanatana Dharma. In India.
There has been an extraordinary amount of thought put in to this institution by the ancients in creating the traditions specific to cultures across India, but philosophical reasoning for these traditions, the results these traditions have tried to accomplish are the same.
For thousands of years, these traditions have successfully helped our culture survive successfully in relative bliss.
But today, this institution is in a state of flux. For many reasons, two of the biggest reasons being these mass migrations and mass communications that have been enabled in the last 30 years across India, and the widespread of a completely misunderstood idea about the already flawed dating culture in India due to the influence of Bollywood movies.
But here is my take on what it was, why it was the way it way, what is wrong with it today. what is wrong with the "dating" culture. And what I think the right answers are going forward, accepting the realities of our world today
(This is an interesting topic isn't it? It is interesting as well as a matter of grave concern for the times we live in)
Arranged Marriage:
Recently I came about a question on iTimes:
http://ww.itimes.com/discussion/kundli-matching-still-relevant
Looking at the people commenting, I decided it was time for me write about this, something I have been wanting to for a long time. And the ignorance of the people commenting on the thread cemented my need to clarify what its all about.
Now as with other things, don't expect a binary answer. There is not.
(For the record, mine is an arranged marriage.)
Most of us have come across, as well as participated in this argument of love vs arranged marriage a lot of times through our lives, but I am confident most of us haven't a clue what is up against what.
You see, to understand arranged marriages, you have to step back and understand the context in which this tradition was born in.
Even until the last 20-30 years, most people in the world lived in villages, and they hardly moved to far away places unless compelled by natural calamities, in which case the whole village and surrounding villages moved away as well.
Most families in these village settings were not nuclear i.e. they were joint families, even if they were nuclear, the nature of living in villages is such that everyone knew everyone and someone from your village knew someone from the surrounding villages really well.
So if you truely understood arranged marriages, unlike the arranged marriages of today, which i am going to cover here in a bit, the original tradition of arranged marriage had at least three major components:
Till Death Do us Apart.
The institution of marriage, is an extraordinary institution and one of the most fundamental pillars in the society of Sanatana Dharma. In India.
There has been an extraordinary amount of thought put in to this institution by the ancients in creating the traditions specific to cultures across India, but philosophical reasoning for these traditions, the results these traditions have tried to accomplish are the same.
For thousands of years, these traditions have successfully helped our culture survive successfully in relative bliss.
But today, this institution is in a state of flux. For many reasons, two of the biggest reasons being these mass migrations and mass communications that have been enabled in the last 30 years across India, and the widespread of a completely misunderstood idea about the already flawed dating culture in India due to the influence of Bollywood movies.
But here is my take on what it was, why it was the way it way, what is wrong with it today. what is wrong with the "dating" culture. And what I think the right answers are going forward, accepting the realities of our world today
(This is an interesting topic isn't it? It is interesting as well as a matter of grave concern for the times we live in)
Arranged Marriage:
Recently I came about a question on iTimes:
http://ww.itimes.com/discussion/kundli-matching-still-relevant
Looking at the people commenting, I decided it was time for me write about this, something I have been wanting to for a long time. And the ignorance of the people commenting on the thread cemented my need to clarify what its all about.
Now as with other things, don't expect a binary answer. There is not.
(For the record, mine is an arranged marriage.)
Most of us have come across, as well as participated in this argument of love vs arranged marriage a lot of times through our lives, but I am confident most of us haven't a clue what is up against what.
You see, to understand arranged marriages, you have to step back and understand the context in which this tradition was born in.
Even until the last 20-30 years, most people in the world lived in villages, and they hardly moved to far away places unless compelled by natural calamities, in which case the whole village and surrounding villages moved away as well.
Most families in these village settings were not nuclear i.e. they were joint families, even if they were nuclear, the nature of living in villages is such that everyone knew everyone and someone from your village knew someone from the surrounding villages really well.
So if you truely understood arranged marriages, unlike the arranged marriages of today, which i am going to cover here in a bit, the original tradition of arranged marriage had at least three major components:
- Matching of the two families' caste (don't roll your eyes yet, let me explain)
- Matching of the horoscopes of the bride and the groom (ditto)
- Both the families knowing about each others' 7 generations past.
Caste Matching:
Why did they do that? Was it about pride? Was it a "caste" feeling? NO
You see, in an arranged marriage, when the girl goes to the groom's house and starts living with the family, she already has to adjust a lot in order to live in a brand new setting. The whole point of marrying within the same Varna/Caste, is all about habits. We humans are creatures of habits. The idea is that, ift he groom and the bride have similar habits growing up, the ability for the bride to adjust in the new home is easier. The ability for the groom to adjust with his new bride and fall in love with her easier. Considering the bride is in a new setting with a new family, with a new husband, don;t you think this tradition was even started with the bride's happiness in mind?
Matching of Horoscopes:
Well, if you haven't read my other post on "A Case for Astrology" please go read that before you continue.
As I suggested there, Astrology is a probabilistic science. And as with any probabilistic science, horoscope matching ONLY indicates probabilities, NOT GUARANTEES. Now just like we do not lose faith in the medical sciences and doctors because hundreds of patients die inspite of spending insane amounts of money on healthcare, because we know that for every 100 who die, a 1000 others survived longer and lived happier because of the medical sciences (which by the way is a lot of guess work, probabilistic in nature), it is phenomenally stupid to lose faith in the fundamental usefulness of the horoscope matching and astrology by looking at a few failed arranged marriages and making judgement calls on the failure of astrology. what you have to see which most of the modern generation fails to see is that for every failed arranged marriage there are 10000 successful ones, the low divorce rate in our country is proof.
What our elders, the elders of this ancient tradition have done with astrological sciences is that, they have enabled, empowered families to ensure that the psychologies/likes/dislikes of the bride and the groom are compatible enough to be able to adjust to live a happy married life.
Because here is the reality you guys, in our teens through mid twenties and for a lot of folks through old age, all people can see is physcial beauty, and how "sexy" someone is, or how rich someone is.The problem with that approach, without going into further details is American family system where the divorce rates are greater than 50% today, leading to ever more children growing up in broken families, who have been statistically proven to get divorced after they grow up and this chain reaction is eventually showing its repercussions, and this geometric progression is only going to show itself more prominently as the # of such broken souls increase in society.
7 Generations: ఏడు తరాలు ఇటు ఏడు తరాలు అటు
The third most important aspect suggested for arranged marriages by our elders is to know each other's families as far back as you can. i.e. know the other family inside out before starting a relationship with them.
Why?: Well, it again comes down to probability theory: You see, its an established fact today that there is something called genetic predisposition for MANY diseases, even criminal behavior has genetic predisposition. And that is the idea behind knowing each other's families really really well.
Back in the day, owing to the fact that we lived in villages, in smaller places, where everyone knew everyone, everyone in your village knew how your grandfather was like, when a family from a neighboring village came about inquiring for an arranged marriage with your family, they would inquire the details from the people of the village and vice-versa. Only then would the matter of relationship taken forward.
You see, in India, marriages were not between two people but between two families. And ALL THIS MATTERED, because a happy couple, healthy children, were going to be the foundations of the future of each family (name). This extensive and diligent thought had to be put into getting people married off. This not only had a positive impact on the said families, but also had the extraordinary effect of having a happy civilization which would only prosper. And hence the India Civilization has been able to prosper and withstand the shocks of attacks from the middle east as well as the west.....
Until now.
What happened now?
The world we live in, families have become nuclear in nature. No one knows anyone anymore. Do you REALLY know your neighbor? knowing where they work, what their names are, is not "knowing" them. Do most people even know or follow the traditions that came along even as far as your parent's generation? I know I don't.
Without going in to further analysis, of how we have grown away from "knowing" anyone other than our own nuclear families, i think this is easier to just take my word for it, because i think you know what I am talking about when I say, we hardly know anyone enough beyond our nuclear families and at best specific people in our circle.
And we have scattered around the country and the world. This is the key. We have scattered as nuclear families.
This situation has especially magnified in the last 30 yrs,( I wouldn't even say 50... but u can take that number if u'd like ), because of Globalization, cheap travel, opportunities, etc. leading to technically, mass migrations as nuclear families and essentially resulting in forgetting our core roots, which is natural.
This scenario now has created an interesting conundrum, for the arranged marriage paradigm.
Two out of the three major aspects of this paradigm have been diluted beyond measure.
You see, in the ever consolidating world we live in, habits aren't as much a problem anymore, coz we as a society today spend 2/3 of our time either sleeping or working, especially with both the partners working.
The second and the more important paradigm that took the hit is the ability for families to know each other's families as deeply as they should. you don't even know if the guy is working where he says he is working. you dont even know if the girl really has completed the degree she is claiming to have completed, you don't know if the family has a history of autism, criminal behavior.... cancer... NOTHING ( I know it might seem heartless, but trust me marriages for the betterment of society are not about being philanthropic with genes). And the ever corrupting world we live in, trust is a BIG concern. So the third aspect of this paradigm has essentially been uprooted and almost impossible to gather enough data to make the right decisions for MOST people.
And now add online matrimonials to this horror of potential misleading and inaccurate information!!!
Online matrimonial are so phenomenally dangerous in my view that you might as well let people dig in to the western dating culture rather than put society through this horror.
No one knows what's on the other side. Matrimonials have marriage a shopping cart where the product is making claims about itself that one cannot ascertain until you completely buy it!
So the bottom line is, the institution of arranged marriage, although statistically has allowed India to survive and thrive phenomenally well for thousands over thousands of years, although by all means of human psychology and anthropology lead to the greater good/happiness of the couple in the final analysis.
So in the world we live in, can the traditional arranged marriage really be trusted to give us the same results it has for the past 20000 years?
I think NO.
Love Marriage:
Online matrimonial are so phenomenally dangerous in my view that you might as well let people dig in to the western dating culture rather than put society through this horror.
No one knows what's on the other side. Matrimonials have marriage a shopping cart where the product is making claims about itself that one cannot ascertain until you completely buy it!
So the bottom line is, the institution of arranged marriage, although statistically has allowed India to survive and thrive phenomenally well for thousands over thousands of years, although by all means of human psychology and anthropology lead to the greater good/happiness of the couple in the final analysis.
So in the world we live in, can the traditional arranged marriage really be trusted to give us the same results it has for the past 20000 years?
I think NO.
Love Marriage:
The propensity of Indians to copy everything from America, in terms of culture, and completely add its own classless flavor to it without any sensible long term though to it, is well known, and made enough fun of by the westerners, which we should be ashamed of, and today as we stand the advent of "love" marriages in India has taken hold (and it is here to stay.)
The problem is, first of all, not having grown up in India, I do know that, most couples are formed first, and date later. Indians have even screwed up the essential dating culture by turning it upside down. Most relationships start with "proposing" and "I Love you" whereas in the essentially dating culture... u really gradually fall in love.
Oh and not just that, this whole dating culture results in men and women sleeping with a few hundred partners over their life times, their inability to remember the count, the inability of women to tell whose kid the kid really is, and as one of the recent incident with a US senator demonstrates the degeneration beyond human dignity. If you study the animal/ape kingdom, you actually will see similar lifestyles, you just don't know that yet, even if you do, we just like to ignore uncomfortable things.
http://news.yahoo.com/tennessee-congressmans-alleged-twitter-love-actually-long-lost-020703866.html
Oh and not just that, this whole dating culture results in men and women sleeping with a few hundred partners over their life times, their inability to remember the count, the inability of women to tell whose kid the kid really is, and as one of the recent incident with a US senator demonstrates the degeneration beyond human dignity. If you study the animal/ape kingdom, you actually will see similar lifestyles, you just don't know that yet, even if you do, we just like to ignore uncomfortable things.
http://news.yahoo.com/tennessee-congressmans-alleged-twitter-love-actually-long-lost-020703866.html
But here is what irks me about most about this dating culture. We are all aware that most (99.99%) people go through many heart breaks over their life time. There is a phenomenal psychological impact on people's lives due to these heart breaks. It is unfortunate. It is life breaking sometimes. And let us all be honest, we never forget our first love. That is a fact. You can deny and jump around all you want. But that is a fact.
A long time back, I read a research study which concluded that women are happiest through their life only with their first love. And we all know for most men, the last love is what matters, (but we still never forget our first love). Irrespective of what it is, I think all of us with horrible past relationships agree that, given a chance you would like to erase those memories once and for all for a happier existence. I have no qualms about being honest about it. It is, what it is. Are you going to be honest enough to admit it is the question.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/women-are-happiest-with-first-love-and-men-with-serial-monogamy-study-finds-577451.html
So you might say, oh, these heart breaks only make you stronger, well, do they? (Now here is where I will talk about what I believe), I believe that the REAL reason for most breakups/ divorces in the world are because the current partner did not match up to your expectations, expectations that have a direct relationship with someone you knew earlier in life.
Even if it doesn't result in something as extreme, this much I know and can guarantee, as the above research study I quoted, that not a single person with a past happy relationship that didn't work out, is never as happy as one could be. That is a fact.
Knowing this, have "love marriages" really resulted in a happier society? Have they really resulted in happier live's for women? Women, I think insist on finding their own partners these days. But is it really in their interest? I am willing to wager a bet it is not.
Now all you you people reading this, most of you are Indians, you have only hardly seen one may be two generations of love marriages, but just like everything, things will get worse as time goes by, and this has statistical proof. where? America. Europe where the "dating" culture now has run a few consecutive generations. Are these any happier in their families when compared to Indians over the last 20000 years? Lets talk as a whole. the 50% divorce rates, thousands of teenage pregnancies, billions of heart breaks, later, I bet, true happiness and the bliss of marriage is a mirage in their lives.
So is love marriage the answer?
I think DEFINITELY NO.
Bottom Line:
Now what is the point I am trying to drive home?
The dating culture of the west, has been statistically, and scientifically proven to increase the incidence of broken families with high divorce rates, exploding teenage pregnancies, resulting in broken childhoods for millions of children, which in turn results in their propensity to divorce and the effect can be extrapolated to eventually destroy the classical concept of families over time.
At the same time, because of the realities we face of our modern life, irrespective of why it happened, the old time tested methods of arranged marriages has almost become a next to impossible task for the most part, hence trying to stick to it, and insisting on arranged marriages through matrimonial sites is very much dangerous.
One last thing:
I am not a father yet, but One last thing for father's of girls of my generation, I can empathize already with you, because there are girls in my family about who I feel almost as possessive as a father would feel for his daughter. Do you realize how painful it would be, to realize the grossness of the dating culture you will be letting your daughters in to when they grow up? I dread it. I do not want to say anything beyond this. It is for you to think about the realities the current generation out of which you have grown out of, and extrapolate how much worse it is going to get in the next 20 years.
What is the solution?
A long time back, I read a research study which concluded that women are happiest through their life only with their first love. And we all know for most men, the last love is what matters, (but we still never forget our first love). Irrespective of what it is, I think all of us with horrible past relationships agree that, given a chance you would like to erase those memories once and for all for a happier existence. I have no qualms about being honest about it. It is, what it is. Are you going to be honest enough to admit it is the question.
http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/women-are-happiest-with-first-love-and-men-with-serial-monogamy-study-finds-577451.html
So you might say, oh, these heart breaks only make you stronger, well, do they? (Now here is where I will talk about what I believe), I believe that the REAL reason for most breakups/ divorces in the world are because the current partner did not match up to your expectations, expectations that have a direct relationship with someone you knew earlier in life.
Even if it doesn't result in something as extreme, this much I know and can guarantee, as the above research study I quoted, that not a single person with a past happy relationship that didn't work out, is never as happy as one could be. That is a fact.
Knowing this, have "love marriages" really resulted in a happier society? Have they really resulted in happier live's for women? Women, I think insist on finding their own partners these days. But is it really in their interest? I am willing to wager a bet it is not.
Now all you you people reading this, most of you are Indians, you have only hardly seen one may be two generations of love marriages, but just like everything, things will get worse as time goes by, and this has statistical proof. where? America. Europe where the "dating" culture now has run a few consecutive generations. Are these any happier in their families when compared to Indians over the last 20000 years? Lets talk as a whole. the 50% divorce rates, thousands of teenage pregnancies, billions of heart breaks, later, I bet, true happiness and the bliss of marriage is a mirage in their lives.
So is love marriage the answer?
I think DEFINITELY NO.
Bottom Line:
Now what is the point I am trying to drive home?
The dating culture of the west, has been statistically, and scientifically proven to increase the incidence of broken families with high divorce rates, exploding teenage pregnancies, resulting in broken childhoods for millions of children, which in turn results in their propensity to divorce and the effect can be extrapolated to eventually destroy the classical concept of families over time.
At the same time, because of the realities we face of our modern life, irrespective of why it happened, the old time tested methods of arranged marriages has almost become a next to impossible task for the most part, hence trying to stick to it, and insisting on arranged marriages through matrimonial sites is very much dangerous.
One last thing:
I am not a father yet, but One last thing for father's of girls of my generation, I can empathize already with you, because there are girls in my family about who I feel almost as possessive as a father would feel for his daughter. Do you realize how painful it would be, to realize the grossness of the dating culture you will be letting your daughters in to when they grow up? I dread it. I do not want to say anything beyond this. It is for you to think about the realities the current generation out of which you have grown out of, and extrapolate how much worse it is going to get in the next 20 years.
What is the solution?
I know my aunt (Kiran pinni) hates this term, but the solution is what I like to call, "Vedic-dating".
One of the three aspects that still has relevance in our world is the concept of horoscope matching. Keep this at the back of your mind and understand the next point.
What is dating really about? Have you thought about it? Well, to most guys, honestly its about sex, or finding a beautiful girl to satisfy their egos, but to women, it is about finding the "right partner" with who they can be happy with for the rest of their lives.
But essentially, the concept of dating, is and should be about meeting the "right" partner. But obviously winging it in the air is foolish. Beyond foolish, the disastrous results of which I have explained above that have been unequivocally proven.
So serious dating truly is about increasing the odds of finding the right partner, while decreasing the odds of finding the wrong one. And the only way one can do that is through some method, some way of creating the right odds and elimination the wrong ones. And as I suggested in the other post on the "Case for Astrology", astrology is a probabilistic science that can help. It helps one understand the odds of this vs that. It also suggests routes to increase the odds of this while decreasing the odds of that.
So when it comes to marriage in the modern world, the first step, that needs to be taken is to do an astrological match. But I cannot stress this enough, it is ONLY the first step.
The next thing, is that the parent generation needs to loosen up regarding this word called "dating". (Well that is also contingent upon the girl and the guy not taking the relationship far enough without getting married.). But i am going to have to assume adult behavior on the part of adults in this solution.
It is important for the guy and the girl and their respective families to know each other really well and to thoroughly vet the other side out to each other's satisfaction. And the process needs to be understood and respected as it is important for both sides.
Now am I suggesting this solution is greater good/ lesser evil than the traditional arranged marriage institution? Absolutely NOT. I think there still will be heart breaks. I think, the underlying reality of any sort of "dating" is heart break for any of the involved parties. But but following the solution I presented above, I do think the incidence of such incompatibilities will be reduced. Resulting in a slower path to complete societal degeneration that the west is seeing today.
This was a tough blog post. I am still not satisfied, I wanted to say a lot more things, write clearly about a lot of other aspects. But its way too long already.
But I do hope, I have been able to convey a thought, that will trigger some thinking in to the minds of the readers and take measures to help themselves and their children.
Research to look into: https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2014-05/uoca-pml051614.php
One last thing before I let you guys go:
This dating culture that has taken hold in India, the worst of worst of worst of worst aspects of it, is when children who grow up, and "fall in love" with strangers, and forget what their parents have done for them for over 20 years, the sacrifices they have made, the pain they went through to give you a platform to succeed in life, the movies they didn't watch, the parties they didn't attend, the vacations they didn't take, the clothes they didnt buy for themselves, the careful responsible savings they made ALL THEIR lives, for that child.
I don't know how one can do that. If Sanatana Dharma has been binary about one thing it is this:
క్రుతగ్ఘ్నో నాస్తి నిష్క్రుతిహి - There is no sin, worse than someone who does not have gratitude. There is no process of repentance or a process to get rid of this karma's after effects.
And of all the people in the world, it is our parents we need to be thankful to. Our parent's are what Sanatana Dharma calls ప్రత్యక్ష దైవం -- God Incarnate. Not some stranger you met at school or on the internet but its your parents, who have and live FOR YOU and will DIE for you, given a chance without even expecting anything in return.
So if it has to be a choice between the stranger and your parents. You need to choose your parents. That is the only greater good. That is your responsibility for having been born as a human being. If you are hell bent on doing what you want to do and live like an animal by all means. Well....
Any one who has done it, or does it will in no uncertain terms will face consequences, in this life or the next. And that is a law you will not and cannot escape. That is the promise our rishi's make.
Remember-- KARMA IS A BITCH.
One of the three aspects that still has relevance in our world is the concept of horoscope matching. Keep this at the back of your mind and understand the next point.
What is dating really about? Have you thought about it? Well, to most guys, honestly its about sex, or finding a beautiful girl to satisfy their egos, but to women, it is about finding the "right partner" with who they can be happy with for the rest of their lives.
But essentially, the concept of dating, is and should be about meeting the "right" partner. But obviously winging it in the air is foolish. Beyond foolish, the disastrous results of which I have explained above that have been unequivocally proven.
So serious dating truly is about increasing the odds of finding the right partner, while decreasing the odds of finding the wrong one. And the only way one can do that is through some method, some way of creating the right odds and elimination the wrong ones. And as I suggested in the other post on the "Case for Astrology", astrology is a probabilistic science that can help. It helps one understand the odds of this vs that. It also suggests routes to increase the odds of this while decreasing the odds of that.
So when it comes to marriage in the modern world, the first step, that needs to be taken is to do an astrological match. But I cannot stress this enough, it is ONLY the first step.
The next thing, is that the parent generation needs to loosen up regarding this word called "dating". (Well that is also contingent upon the girl and the guy not taking the relationship far enough without getting married.). But i am going to have to assume adult behavior on the part of adults in this solution.
It is important for the guy and the girl and their respective families to know each other really well and to thoroughly vet the other side out to each other's satisfaction. And the process needs to be understood and respected as it is important for both sides.
Now am I suggesting this solution is greater good/ lesser evil than the traditional arranged marriage institution? Absolutely NOT. I think there still will be heart breaks. I think, the underlying reality of any sort of "dating" is heart break for any of the involved parties. But but following the solution I presented above, I do think the incidence of such incompatibilities will be reduced. Resulting in a slower path to complete societal degeneration that the west is seeing today.
This was a tough blog post. I am still not satisfied, I wanted to say a lot more things, write clearly about a lot of other aspects. But its way too long already.
But I do hope, I have been able to convey a thought, that will trigger some thinking in to the minds of the readers and take measures to help themselves and their children.
Research to look into: https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2014-05/uoca-pml051614.php
One last thing before I let you guys go:
This dating culture that has taken hold in India, the worst of worst of worst of worst aspects of it, is when children who grow up, and "fall in love" with strangers, and forget what their parents have done for them for over 20 years, the sacrifices they have made, the pain they went through to give you a platform to succeed in life, the movies they didn't watch, the parties they didn't attend, the vacations they didn't take, the clothes they didnt buy for themselves, the careful responsible savings they made ALL THEIR lives, for that child.
I don't know how one can do that. If Sanatana Dharma has been binary about one thing it is this:
క్రుతగ్ఘ్నో నాస్తి నిష్క్రుతిహి - There is no sin, worse than someone who does not have gratitude. There is no process of repentance or a process to get rid of this karma's after effects.
And of all the people in the world, it is our parents we need to be thankful to. Our parent's are what Sanatana Dharma calls ప్రత్యక్ష దైవం -- God Incarnate. Not some stranger you met at school or on the internet but its your parents, who have and live FOR YOU and will DIE for you, given a chance without even expecting anything in return.
So if it has to be a choice between the stranger and your parents. You need to choose your parents. That is the only greater good. That is your responsibility for having been born as a human being. If you are hell bent on doing what you want to do and live like an animal by all means. Well....
Any one who has done it, or does it will in no uncertain terms will face consequences, in this life or the next. And that is a law you will not and cannot escape. That is the promise our rishi's make.
Remember-- KARMA IS A BITCH.
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