keep moving forward is the only choice

Since about 1997/1998 my life has been an experiment in waterboarding. Of course psychologically and emotionally speaking. From the outside in, my life is almost perfect. But without divulging personal details, the important thing to communicate here is that there have been tens of instances through the years where I have screamed in emotional agony and cried for hours not understand why the universe/God/Karma chooses to break me down. 

I am doing that right now as i write this post. 

If there is someone who should hate God, I am a good candidate for it considering my life.

But when I recover from those lows, I realize it could be a lot worse. Sure. Of course it could be a LOT better too.

And I have no choice but to keep trying. To keep moving forward, while trying to detach myself from the outcomes. To control the controllables without losing control of my own mind.

These are the only mantras available. This is pretty much the squeezed version of Bhagwad Gita's message on how to live ones life. I just came to these conclusion on my own accord. 

And I have no other way to live life in a karmically positive way! 

The goal of life is "reaching the almighty", "Moksha", "libreation". Give it whatever name you want. I want that for myself. I just hope that that dream/wish of my soul is beyond my life pattern of being a loser.

But I wont know until my last breath. Or perhaps if i can ever become a "jivan mukta", may be I will be able to see that all this was worth it. 

The heart breaks, these insults, these losses of life are what are purifying my soul. Surely.

But will that lead me to be a jivan mukta? Who knows? But I have no choice but to keep trying. I do not know any other way to live life.

Living a karmically positive life is the ONLY way i will live my life. 

At the same time I hope I wont cry myself to sleep as much as I have the past 26/27 years. 

My yoga, my pranayam and meditation are my guards. as long as i do them, I experience less swings in my state of feelings of loss and despair.

I wish my external circumstances improve to support my journey, I think i have gained enough from the the pain of life. The marginal utility isn't there anymore. But thats my thought. The universe might have a separate plan. Or may be the universe will relent finally and let me live in peace and let me win again.

Let me be very clear, I choose not to blame or be vengeful for whatever has transpired in my life where my "loss" can be attributed to someone else outside of my skin. No point to it. I am playing an infinite game. Blaming someone else and being vengeful is a complete waste of time because i know myself. If the universe ever gives me a change to avenge, I will just let go and them the universe deal with them. I dont know any other way to deal with transgressors. 

Living A Karmic life with faith is hard. Just hope its worth it. ITs not like i really have a choice. that's my life.


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